Hey Mr Taliban Show me your Banana
by Hairy Buttocks
Summary: The Taliban attack the town of 'Toe Nail Clippery' and mad inventor Charlie Swan AKA Mr Lickmenipples is the only one who can stop them with his 'weapon of mass destruction'


This is another story written by me and my big sis! enjoy!

**Hey Mr Taliban show me your Banana**

**By Hairy Buttocks**

In front of you lays the prestigious town of Toe-Nail Clippery, infamous for its production of carbon-fibre based, top quality toe nail clippers, which are exported round the entire world. But in recent years, Toe-Nail Clippery has gained increasing notoriety, due to the presence of the up and coming mad genius, as interviewed by Heat magazine and the Gay Daily Sport, Mr Charlie Swan, fondly known by the locals as Mr Lickmenipples.

Here is what Heat magazine had to say about the inventor in question;

_Entering the house of one Charlie Swan, I can finally begin to believe the overstated rumours of his zaniness. Turns out they were understated. In this town the man is a legend, and the house of Mr Lickmenipples is adequately bizarre. The floor is completely covered in dirty mags, and he takes me a machine, where he tells me he is trying to clone the pictures of men from Poofta Weekly into real men. I ask him, "What do you hope your experiment to achieve? To tackle the increasing population in the world and save Earth?"_

"_No," he says, "they're just really sexy." He leans in close to whisper. "Page 12 of Thursday's edition really caught my eye."_

_He shows me round the rest of the house, where his partner and lover, one Edward Cullen, is chained up to the wall in a leather suit. _

"_Fetch, doggy," Mr Lickmenipples says, and he throws a toe-nail clipper. Edward barks and chases after it. _

_Later, I manage to get a interview with Mr Cullen. "Yeah, Charlie works really hard," he says, leaning back and lighting up a lollipop. "Has he shown you his newest invention? He calls it 'the weapon of mass destruction.'"_

_But at this moment, Mr Lickmenipples rushes in and zips up Edward's nipple zips. He yelps. _

"_My nipple's caught in it," he gasps. _

"_And?" says Mr Lickmenipples. _

"_I like it," says Edward. _

_I decide them to it. So is Charlie Swan a genius, or just a mad pervert? And what is this 'weapon of mass destruction'? We may never know. Fakey Mcfake, reporting for Heat Magazine. _

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, somewhere in Afganistan…<p>

Bin Larden was willy wangling to some pictures of hot girls. They were revealing all- daring to lift a single toe from their burka.

"Ohh, you bad girls!" he said, carrying on.

Achmed ran into the room, clutching a copy of Heat magazine. "Boss, you've got to see this!"

"What?" said Bin Larden. He nudged the hardcore porn out of the way with his foot.

"Look here," said Achmed, pointing to the magazine.

Bin Larden put on his reading glasses. "Wowza! A hot exclusive on Cheryl Cole's heartbreak and divorce!"

"No boss, look! A guy in America is developing a weapon of mass destruction."

"A weapon of mass destruction! We could really do with one of those. Okay, book some plane tickets to this… Toenail-clippery, okay? And make sure you get first-class. The type with the foldable food tray and cup holders. Oooh, and a foot spa too."

"Uh, boss…"

"What is it now?" he exclaimed.

"We're not allowed on the airlines."

"Why not?" he yelled.

"Don't you remember? they banned us last time we blew them up."

"I don't remember that," Bin Larden frowned.

"We killed all those American devils?"

"Oh yes, I remember. Did they ban us? How unreasonable! You do the slightest thing wrong, put your feet up on the seat and they throw you out these days…"

"I'll book us some nice seats in the cargo containers Boss," said Achmed, hurrying away.

"And get that foot spa!" Bin Larden called. Then he twitched his magazine forward with his hairy toe and flipped it open.

"An ankle?" he gasped. "Now girls, that's going too far…"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, somewhere in Toe-Nail Clippery…<p>

Charlie Swan was about to unveil the weapon of mass destruction. He stepped onto the podium, wearing a dear stalker, smoking jacket, and golden hot pants. He puffed on a pipe, and bubbles came out the end. Edward ran up to him, barking, and then raised one leg to take a whiz on him.

"BAD EDWARD NO!" said Charlie. Edward yelped and whimpered pitifully. Then Charlie grinned. "Don't worry. I'll… punish you later."

Edward growled erotically.

"You're going into the naughty corner for HALF AN HOUR," said Charlie.

Edward rubbed himself sensually against Charlie's leg.

The only two people in the audience that had turned up, coughed pointedly.

"GET A ROOM!" yelled an old man. Edward barked at him and chased him off the field.

A voice boomed from a megaphone; "HAND OVER THE WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION, AND NO AMERICAN INFIDELS DIE."

Charlie looked around, confused. Then he looked up. The Taliban were parachuting down with used underwear. They landed, whipping out water guns from their robes. Charlie, and the remaining old woman in the audience put their hands up.

"Hold on," said Charlie, "are you the guys from the roleplaying forum? Because like I told you, we're not supposed to be meeting until seven…"

"Silence infidel!" said Bin Larden. "We are here for your weapon of mass destruction."

Charlie raised an eyebrow erotically. "My… weapon of mass destruction?"

"Yes, I want your weapon of mass destruction and I want it now!"

"Cool it, baby. You'll get your weapon of mass destruction… in good time. I like to keep things on a low simmer. Later… we can turn it up."

Bin Larden frowned, and it made him look constipated. "None of your mind games, infidel! I want to see the weapon, right here right now.

"…What, in front of everyone?"

"Yes, show me the weapon of mass destruction immediately!"

Edward ran across the field on his hands and knees and tore a chunk out of Bin Larden's trousers. He yelled, "Ayayayayay!" and sprayed him with his water gun. Edward growled appreactively and rolled around in the spray. Then he unzipped his mouth piece.

"The only one who gets to see Mr Lickmenipples's weapon of mass destruction is me," he said. He zipped himself up again.

"Edward," said Charlie aggrievedly. "I thought we agreed this kind of thing was okay…"

Edward unzipped himself. "I did, but now I'm afraid you might come to love one of them more than me…" he re-zipped himself.

"Sex is just sex," said Charlie, and shrugged.

Zip. "But _Honey Bear_…" Zip.

"Edward, you know no man's schlong will change my undying love for you, right?"

Zip. "Really?" Zip.

"Yes, now be quiet. You know the rules. Now get the fluffy handcuffs for tonight. The release word is _muffin_."

Bin Larden jumped up and down angrily. "I want your weapon of mass destruction and I want it now!"

"Okay okay, buddy. You're taking your role a little too far, don't you think? Alright, let's go back to my place and I'll show you my… bazooka."

They walked back to the Swan residence, and closed the door on Edward, who banged his head against the wood, and then ducked through the cat flap.

"So tell me infidel, how destructive is your weapon of massive destruction?"

"Well, I'll all say is… it's going to blow you away."

"And it is deadly?"

"It's deadly alright…"

"And I can kill many jews with it?"

"Well if you're into that kind of kinky stuff then sure. Personally I'm all for bondage but I do draw the line at concentual homicide. Too much paperwork." He turned around and stopped Bin Larden, holding him back with one sensual finger. "Now you wait here… and I'll slip into something a little more… comfortable."

"You're going to get the weapon of mass destruction out?"

"Yeah, I'm going to whip it out. Just give me a jiffy, Mr Terrorist…"

The door closed. Bin Larden waited impatiently, stamping his foot on the ground. Then, the door creaked open again. A foot draped itself sensually round the outside.

"I've got the bomb, Mr Larden," he said, weaving himself round the outside of the door. He was completely naked, apart from a fake beard and feather boa. His weapon of mass destruction flopped out. "Now Mr Taliban… show me your banana."

"ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!"


End file.
